So you guys. I know that I should be a smart and responsible person and learn from my mistakes. Well, “mistakes” is not actually the right word so maybe I should try that sentence again. I know that I should be a smart and responsible person and try to understand and respect the expectations of others, even though it means keeping my mouth shut in the face of really shitty behavior. As much as I want to do it, I will not write another bartender tip. I have a really good one in mind (many, actually) but in an effort to not complicate my life again I will just keep them to myself until the time when I no longer have to tend bar (that one was for you, Ben) for a living which is seeming less and less likely to ever be the case. I might have to take these tips to my grave. But just because I can’t write about the absurd things people do from the perspective of a bartender does not mean I cannot write about the absurd things people do from the perspective of a bar customer, right? Right! Let’s go!
Okay, so, this is funny. I know we have all done this at some point (I totally have and I still feel awful about it). We have all made poor choices and made out at a bar. It is not right but it happens. As someone who has done this before, I really try to be as understanding about other people’s situations as possible. Maybe one of them lives with their mom. Maybe one, or both, of them is in a relationship with someone else who they live with and so neither one can take the other one home and they don’t have enough money, or motivation, for a hotel room. Maybe one of the people ate something really good and the other person wanted to taste the thing but the first person had already finished it and so the only hope of getting a little sample is to somehow experience the flavor through the remnants of the food that is caught in the other person’s mouth. I mean, this can involve some very creative uses of the tongue. Anyway, as I said, I tend to not be bothered too much by making out at the bar. I mean, it’s not great, but I get it. We all make mistakes. There are circumstances. Hormones. Also, booze. It’s cool. Sometimes, though, people go a little too far.
So the other night I went out for a drink with my friend Ben to try and recap this thing we had done earlier in the day that we were both really excited about. We did one of those things where one of us was like
“Hey, remember that really awesome thing we did earlier with that thing and the ideas? Wasn’t that great?!”
And the other one was like,
“Totally. We are basically the best.”
We were doing that for awhile. Self-congratulation is always a good time, especially when you have teammate to do it with. Anyway, so there we were, drinking whisky and feeling like the champions that we are when this couple walked in. It was one of those weird couples where, like, you look at the two people and they don’t really make so much sense together, physically speaking? So you think that maybe one of them has a really good personality, or the other one is hot but with a not so good personality. Or maybe the dude has a huge dick. I don’t know, that’s what I thought. But maybe that’s just because I haven’t had sex in a while. Anyway, we went back to doing what we were doing (read: feeling like super heroes) when the two of them started making out hardcore at the bar right behind the taps. Whatever, I didn’t really care. I mean, maybe a booth would be a better location but who am I to say. Also, maybe he had her favorite flavor gum and she just wanted to borrow it for a minute. I could see that happening. Ben and I looked at them for a quick second and went back to our conversation. A few minutes later, and for reasons I cannot really explain, I looked back over at the couple. I looked back over at exactly the right (actually, wrong) moment. I saw the girl reaching into her shirt. I thought at first that maybe she dropped a crumb in there. Or the piece of gum she had possibly borrowed from her friend minutes prior. But, no. There weren’t crumbs. No gum. Just her tit. She pulled her boob out and, in a very graceful movement and before even the dude knew what was happening, she had put her hand on the back of his head and literally shoved him downward, thrusting her now exposed breast into his mouth where he proceeded to suck on it. At the bar. Where there were other people. Watching. Not so much in a voyeuristic way but more in a “wait a second is what I think I am seeing actually what I am seeing?” sort of a way. It was exactly what we all thought we were seeing. Second base at the bar. At that point Ben turned to me and said,
“What time is it?”
I looked at my watch. It was not yet 10pm. We immediately started laughing which caught the attention of the bartender who then looked over, saw what was happening, and also started laughing. I mean, there really was no other response. I mean, you couldn’t be mad really. Or disgusted. You almost had to respect it. It was just so damn ballsy! So the bartender, once he was done cackling, told them that they could kiss a little but to maybe keep it more PG and also that they should probably keep their clothes on. A few minutes later she started grinding on him. To Bjork. It was really very odd. Anyway, at this point the bartender had had enough and asked them to leave. They got confused and tried to exit out of literally every door in the place, bathroom included, before they figured out they just had to leave out the same door that had previously come in through. They remained on the ramp to the bar for some period of time doing I can only imagine what, with the male half taking occasional bathroom breaks. It was all very strange. As it turns out, they had been kicked out of two other bars before the one Ben and I saw them in which leads one to wonder, was this a repeat performance or a case of escalation? Did they get caught before he got a little handy action? (Do people still call it a handy?) Was this part of some sort of huge social experiment to see how far thye could take it before getting asked to leave? Did she ever get to have a chew of the gum he so selfishly had the last piece of? I have so many questions.
Now today I am left wondering whether they ever ended up finding a place to have sex. I sort of hope they did because I would imagine the whole experience would leave them both rather frustrated indeed. Also though right now, having recounted the fact that I thought about the culmination of their very strange and public version of foreplay, I feel like a little bit of a perv. I am going to cleanse my mind by watching this video on repeat and trying to figure out how to make this song my ringtone:
UPDATE: Just moments after finishing this post I headed to train at the next stop on Rebekah’s Tour de Bars 2014. So I walk in and no more than 25 minutes later in walks the same couple that I wrote the blog about, still sort of drunk, maybe coked out, in the same clothes. I tried so hard to not laugh that, in an effort to hold the laughter inside, tears started pouring out of my eyes. And this bar was not one of the three bars (that I know of) that this couple got kicked out of for public boob sucking. Folks, you just can’t make this shit up.
franklyrebekah 