This is going to be a three-part post updating you about various parts of my life. The first two parts are mostly harmless fun. The third part should probably be avoided by anyone who doesn’t like knowing about my period. You know who you are (ahem, Dad…also, one other person who I will not mention because I don’t want to embarrass her but probably the third part will make you queasy).
An Update on Melvin:
Hey guys. So, first thing’s first. I know many of you were wondering what happened to Melvin the Snail. Remember Melvin? Remember that time he wore a jacket? How about that time he posed in a bra? Or the time he was giving a lecture to a bunch of kitties? Well, an unfortunate thing befell Melvin. He was traveling in my bag en route from Tucson when one of his antenna fell right off. Luckily I was able to put it somewhere for safe keeping. Then, a few months later, one of my kitties (my money is on Clark), knocked Melvin’s upper half off the place where he was magneted and BAM! Instant decapitation. I put him in a safe place while I mourned the loss of my travel buddy. But then yesterday, in a fit of procrastination, I used some of the Krazy Glue that I borrowed because I am far too disorganized and forgetful to remember to buy it myself (hence why Melvin was in such a sorry state for so long) and I reattached Melvin’s head, and his antenna, back to his cute little neon body. Here he is, happily mugging for the camera:
I guess maybe you can’t really tell that he is mugging because I didn’t get a good angle on his face, but suffice it to say that he is. He always is. He even had a cheese-eating grin on his face when his face wasn’t connected to the upper half of his body. Now that’s a guy I’d like to grab a beer with, ya know?
So, as some of you might know, I am catastrophe prone. I am also prone to being spit on. Which really is a catastrophe all its own only a far less silly one than other catastrophes I have experienced. Being spit on is actually rather infuriating. I angry cried on the street the second time it happened. It was the same guy both times by the way. A few months after the second incident, after I had filed a report with my local precinct, I saw him at the Atlantic Center opening the doors with his elbows and almost spit on him. I didn’t, though. It seemed likely to blow up in my face especially considering there were cops outside and the most recent instance of him spitting on me was like, 2 months prior and I don’t think that revenge is covered by the law. I probably would have gotten arrested. Now that would have been a catastrophe. Anyway, moving on.
The reason I bring up my having been spit on in the past is because of what happened yesterday when I was in the midst of running errands with a friend. We were en route to buy some paper towels when I felt something wet on the outside of my right ankle. I walked a few steps, realized it was also maybe a little bit slimey, and looked down. Obviously there was a huge wad of bright green gum stuck to my leg. Not only was it stuck to my leg but during the 3 or 4 steps I had taken before I realized what was happening one portion of the gum had dislodged itself from my leg and fallen underneath my heel onto my shoe so when I took a step there was like stretchy green shit running between my foot and my sandal. Also, another piece had gotten on the sole of my shoe and was creating the same mess of stretchy green shit between the bottom of my shoe and the ground. It was, quite possibly, the biggest piece of gum that has ever existed. Also, it was green apple. I know this because fruit flavored gum has a very strong aroma. I bet it was like, Bubble Yum, or something, only this person decided to chew the entire pack at one time. Or it could have been Big League Chew. Do they make green apple flavored Big League Chew? It was really gross. And, of course, this happened before I bought the damn paper towels. Life doesn’t make it easy, ya know? In case you were wondering, I am not entirely sure how the gum got onto my leg, although I do have a few theories.
1. One of the dudes in the group milling on the corner that my friend and I had passed spit gum out at exactly the wrong moment (or the right one, depending on whether or not you’re an asshole) and it stuck to my leg.
2. A cycler cycled past and, rather than being a good person and stopping at the garbage can to spit his or her gum out just spit it out into the world, sort of like a gift, and I happened to be walking by at that very moment, ready to receive it.
3. The universe thought I had been surprisingly catastrophe-free that day and, knowing my utter distaste for fruit-flavored chewing gum, dropped a piece of gum from the sky at exactly the right speed and in exactly the right direction to create maximal hilarity with minimal gum stuck in my hair.
I think probably option three is the most likely.
Not Safe for Dad (NSFD)
So I just now decided that I don’t think I want to write this third part at all. I don’t think I feel like sharing this particular embarrassing story about myself just at the moment. Maybe some other time, if you’re lucky.