This past Valentine’s Day my boyfriend, with a nod to the fact that I, along with countless other people think Valentine’s Day is silly, met me for dinner with a bouquet of broccoli. This was great for two reasons. First, he was able to hide it behind his back and whip it around like a more traditional arrangement and second, we could eat it for dinner the next day.
Fast forward one month.
At work yesterday — I tend bar a few times a week — two people walked in, maybe a couple maybe not. He heads straight to the bathroom and she meanders near the bar, phone in one hand, head of broccoli in the other. Wow, I think to myself, someone has the same sense of humor as my boyfriend. What are the odds? He returns from the bathroom, they order a bottle of wine, I don’t ask about the broccoli. I tend to my other customers and a few minutes later glance up at them to assess the level of their beverages. I then notice that the male half of this duo is eating the broccoli. He is not breaking off little florets and munching them but instead is taking large bites out of the head of broccoli that appears to be roughly three quarters the size of his face. Strange. It happened to be busy at the bar so I was running around a little but I did manage to inform one or two (or three or four) of my other customers of the oddity occurring in the middle of the bar. I again return to the couple and, much to my surprise, notice that the female half is now gnawing on the broccoli stem since the florets have been largely depleted. I don’t know how many of you have tried eating non-peeled, non-cooked broccoli stems but it is no easy feat. She, however, was really going at it and seemed to be making some progress. I rush down to the far end of the bar to tell one of the aforeinformed customers about the new turn of events. She decides to get to the bottom of the situation. She does a cursory drive-by of the unfolding ordeal and then, on her return trip while the girl is in the bathroom turns to the guy and the following conversation unfolds:
Curious Customer: You have a bloody mary?
Broccoli Boy (with wine glass and small broccoli floret in hand): No. Wine.
CC: Oh, I thought that was celery in your hand. I see now that it’s broccoli.
BB: It’s my spirit totem.
CC: …………….
I had heard of a spirit animal before but never a spirit totem. Turns out they are roughly the same thing although upon doing some cursory internet research I couldn’t find anyone who had a piece of broccoli, or other form of vegetable, as their spirit totem. It seems to me kind of dangerous and short-sighted to eat your lifelong spirit guide. I decided right then that I would allow these spirit totem-eating medical students* to entertain themselves in the corner with a rousing game of Taboo. I did not want to be a recipient of any bad karma related to the consumption of the totem. I washed a few glasses and then in walked this normal-looking young gentleman in a grey LSU hoody. He takes a look at the taps and then,
Normal-Look Guy: What’s your favorite beer on tap right now?
Me: I really like the Tommyknocker Pick Axe IPA. It’s a more discreet IPA and it’s fun to say.
NLG: What color is it?
Me: Umm….? Sort of light brown?
NLG: Yea, that sounds good!
I was confused. I had never had someone order a beer from me solely based off color. And then wouldn’t you know it he went over and sat with the broccoli people. I should have known.
*If I found out that my doctor went around to bars eating raw broccoli and calling it his spirit totem I would probably look for a new doctor. Just saying.
franklyrebekah 
I’m not 100% sure, but my intuition tells me this is how cults are born. I for one have never been able to eat broccoli without a little cheese. Perhaps we can start our own sect?
The broccoli with cheese sect? I don’t know. The thought of a cult that revolves around the consumption of broccoli makes me worry about the future state of my gastroenterological health. But maybe if we believe hard enough, Jeremy, we won’t be effected.