The other day I looked in the mirror and discovered that I have a weird red, scaly, dry patch just above my right eye. It doesn’t hurt or itch or anything, it just looks a little weird. Also, two days ago I accidentally scratched it and it was terrible. I don’t really know what it is but I am pretty much convinced that it is going to take over my entire face, slowly at first and then more aggressively as it builds confidence. I will go to sleep Rebekah and wake up the next morning in a new form: LizardRebekah. I was informed by my friend Beth that if I in fact turn into a lizard my cats will cease to recognize me and will probably eat me because cats eat lizards. She knows this because she lives in Arizona.
Okay, okay, okay, so maybe I am overreacting. But seriously, where did this thing come from? I woke up one day and there it was! So I did what I always do when something creepy happens, I broke one of my “Rules for Life.” There are, up until this point, only three Rules for Life although a new one can be added at any time. I have actually been working on a rule concerning the consumption of airplane food (it should never be eaten!) but I haven’t managed to get the wording exactly how I want. Anyway, the existing Rules are as follows:
1. No fighting in the car or other places from which you cannot make a speedy escape.
2. The nose is an out hole. The only exception is for the use of Neti Pots and Nasonex.
3. Never diagnose yourself using the internet because you pretty much always get diagnosed with some form of cancer.
Obviously, I broke the third Rule for Life. I always, always, always break that rule. It’s like, I simply can’t help myself. One time* I ate beets and was convinced the next morning that the fact that my shit was a weird color was due to the fact that I was obviously dying from some sort of stomach cancer. The internet agreed. I wasn’t, obviously, but I really scared myself. I was about halfway through dialing my parents’ house to tell them about my life-ending illness when I remembered dinner. Come to think of it, I should probably make a rule about setting some sort of reminder following the consumption of beets.
Anyway, so I broke the rule and I started looking through WebMd and it doesn’t say anything about a dry skin patch slowly taking over my entire face, maybe even body, and morphing me into a lizard. It mentions psoriasis which is scary but that doesn’t come on the face. It mostly impacts elbows and knees and hands and stuff. Also, eczema. Same thing. So I have come to the conclusion that either I have a new, fatal skin disease that has never before been diagnosed or else it is just a dry skin patch caused by exposure to the elements. I will put lotion on it and see what happens. In the mean time, my cats will be locked in the closet.**
*I am being really generous saying this happened one time. I think that this panic happens about 50% of the time that I eat beets. Embarrassing, but true.
** I am totally kidding about that. I love my cats, even if they do want to eat me.
franklyrebekah 