I feel compelled, in this blog post, to acknowledge that I know that I am freaking out about things much less BIG than not having heat and electricity, or having my house washed away or burned down, or not having access to food, or having lost friends or loved ones. I am sitting here in my lit and warm apartment, my cats meowing hungrily (they are totally thrown off by the time change and subsequent early darkness and think it is time to eat, it isn’t), and with home-cooked food in the fridge. All that being said, I am freaking out.
I have just recently articulated to myself, and now to all of you, the fact that I am completely and totally self-sabotaging. Not to the point where I am incapable of being a reasonable human being in the world, but to the point where if I don’t do something I will be bartending forever… not that there is anything wrong with that but it just isn’t for me. For example, I am really bad at applying for things. Like, really bad. I will find a job or an internship or a program and be like
Yea! That is perfect for me! Wow!
And then I will go for a run and have an imagination adventure where I get that job or internship, or get accepted into that program, and I am so super awesome at it that the head promotes me, or moves me somewhere really cool, or tells her friends about me and then all of a sudden I am this really fantastic and successful person with this job that I love and everything is great. Only then I look at the qualifications and see that I need relevant experience. Don’t have it. Unless they need someone to shake some cocktails. And then I look at the recommendations and I fall short. Who would want to write me one? What professor would I ask? What professor would even be willing to write it? Would they even remember me? Do they know enough about me to make it work? Do I even like them? Does a recommendation from my boss at the bar count as a professional reference? And then I sit there and stare at the computer and then I decide,
Okay, maybe I will do it tomorrow. I will send out the necessary emails and put myself out there. Can’t hurt to try, right?
But then tomorrow comes and goes and then the deadline is past and, voila!, I have not applied and there I am imagining what could have been rather than what could be. Or, another example! One of my friends will be like
Oh! Hey! This is perfect for you and I know someone who would hook you up and you should so totally email them and drop my name!
And I’m like sweet. So I look into it and it seems great and then, guess what? Don’t reach out. Think about how cool it would be. Then get nervous about not being a good fit. Or doing something stupid and having it reflect badly on my friend. Or I worry that I won’t interview well and that I own absolutely zero business/business casual clothing. And then I’m like,
Well, let me sleep on it and email them tomorrow
And then guess what? Tomorrow comes and goes and I don’t do it. I sit there and feel bad about how I’m not doing it but I still don’t do it. And then I realize my friend has put herself out there by offering to put me in touch with someone and I am the asshole who doesn’t follow through.
Or! This! I am like inches away from getting my master’s degree and all I need to do is write one thesis (70 pages) and one final paper (20-25 pages) both very manageable and both things I can do, and what happens? I get so distracted by learning all of the things that I fall into this black hole of information, most of which is not relevant to what I am theoretically working on. And then I have piles and piles of papers that I have mostly read and lots of blank pages. Or! Lots of pages that are written but may or may not be connected to the other pages or the overall theme of whatever project I am working on. This is a problem I have never had before. Usually, if nothing else, I can sit on my ass for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week and knock out whatever it is I need to knock out. But now? No. And then I am like
Great, here I am with almost this degree that will make me feel, if not be, more qualified to do something other than pour a pint of beer and what am I doing? Obsessing over farmer’s rights, downloading Ever Note so I can save everything that ever seems interesting and read it later (but really I read it right away) and downloading real crime books on my Nook (okay, that last part only happened once, about 15 minutes ago).
But then I think
Okay. How about this? How about I just finish my thesis and then I travel and try and get my head on straight. And then I realize I don’t like to travel alone and basically all of my friends are doing things and therefore can’t fuck off for a few months. And also, I get very stressed out about money and I have to pay off the loans I took out to finish this degree I can’t seem to finish but has to be finished in 5 years otherwise all my work was for naught.
And so now it has been 30 minutes and rather than working on an application for a really cool language program in India, or a conference in Switzerland, or a scholarship to do research, I am writing this blog about how I am incapable of doing anything. And now I am going to publish this blog, read my newly downloaded nonfiction crime book, and occasionally stress about how I am not doing anything productive. And then I will go to work until 4am. Maybe I’ll see you there.
franklyrebekah 
i can check on you if you want! you can do it! i believe in your awesomeness! exclamation points!
:)!!!
Hi Rebekah, you know I’ll travel with you. Because I’m in the exact same boat, and traveling is at least a productive-feeling and inspiring way to not accomplish the things that we are scared of, or whatever it is. :p
Fittingly, I read a mural-type advertisement the other day that said, “You miss 100% of the tequila shots you don’t take.” I needed that reminder, and maybe it’ll help you, too. ❤
PS – Funny how we can't make our dates with each other unless we give them a time and a place! Hope your Thursday was nice. Mine was spent avoiding packing my room in increasingly clever ways. I MISS YOU! Thanks for this post.
I actually almost texted you earlier to tell you that I had to go to Red Hook. And then I went to Red Hook and forgot. And then it took so long (because I pretty much always get lost down there) and then I came back here and had to unwind and then I freaked out, hence blog post. But hard date! Before you leave! Monday? Also, traveling. Which we can discuss on our hard date.
1. I wrote you a long and of course lovely comment earlier that WordPress decided to eat because I couldn’t remember my password. I can’t capture its spirit anymore, but it said something about how you and me traveling together could be great, ’cause I need to run away from the very same problems in just that kind of satisfying way!
2. The numbers probably aren’t necessary. But I also want to thank you for making me feel less alone.
3. We’re very bad at hanging out when we don’t put a firm time and place to our intentions, which isn’t ironic at all. I hope you had a lovely Thursday! I spent mine finding clever ways to not do the super important stuff I need to be doing right now. 🙂 I MISS YOU! ❤
oh hey look! that’s embarrassing! i’ll delete these now.
I actually really like this one. And as for #2, same goes for you. Seriously. It’s nice to have a partner in freak outs that we bring about ourselves. Hopefully we can pull each other out of it! Miss you, too!