Tag Archives: snow

An Average Day.

17 Dec

WARNING:  I am just sort of typing.  Typing about my day.  Connecting it to past days.  This may or may not make any sense.  Whether or not it makes sense has nothing to do with the peach juice vodka thing I made.  No, but seriously.  I’m hardly even drinking it because it tastes bad.  Anyway, proceed with caution.

Hi guys.  So here I am.  Sitting at my desk drinking this weird concoction of vodka, peach “juice” (which is actually quite similar to baby food, a fact that makes me feel a little weird) and water.  Honestly, it’s not very good and I think I might dump it out.  I am having A Day.  You know the kind.  It’s one of those days where you like, reflect on your life and think about where you thought you would be at this point which is maybe living in some foreign land doing something great for humanity but instead your are sitting at a bright blue desk which is actually made out of an old door that you painted like 6 years ago, drinking vodka flavored baby food.  You’ve never had a day like that?  Even without the oddly viscous liquor?  Oh, okay then.  Carry on.

I, for one, am having one of those days.  I think it is due to the fact that I spent the better part of this sleety, snowy, cold Tuesday in front of my computer reading the 247 slides of a bar-required tips certification course.  It’s this thing where you learn how to not serve underage people and also how to cut people off.  Interestingly, a lot of the male “characters” depicted in the accompanying videos are a little bit rapey.  There is the rapey manager who tells the hostess that she “did the right thing” by informing him of a drunk couple seated in Sherry’s section and the rapey bartender who tells a drunken bar-goer who turns down the snack of cheese that he offered her because she thinks it is too fattening that she “probably doesn’t need to worry about that.” I don’t know.  Maybe you had to be there.  Or maybe the hours I spent reading about R. Kelly prior to the 247 slides impacted my thought processes.  Either way, it has been one of those days.

I decided to go to the gym, put my foot in my shoe, thought it was a dead roach but discovered it was instead an errant hair clip.  Crisis averted!  I have heard about people having dead roaches in their shoes and it is something I do not want to experience myself.  It makes me think of this one time, actually. So there was this one time where I was feeling really sick so I decided, in a moment of overwhelming logic, to go lay on the floor.  I think I thought that if I looked as pathetic as I felt then maybe I would start feeling better.  Anyway, as I lay there, left cheek resting on the cold wood, garbage can at the ready, I noticed this thing only inches from my nose.  What could it be?  It wasn’t moving.  It looked like maybe it had legs. But I couldn’t detect a head.  I called up to my boyfriend who was in the bed curious as to why I decided to lay on the floor, and in the most pathetic voice I could said,

“There is this thing here right by my face and I think it might be a huge dead roach.  Is it a roach?  Tell me it isn’t a roach.  I don’t think I could go on if I knew that I was lying inches from a dead roach.”

I sometimes get a little dramatic when I am feeling sick.

He came down, scooped it up and told me it was no such thing.  Maybe I should just get off the floor.  I did.  But the next day I looked in the garbage can and saw a decapitated roach halfway covered by a tissue.  I am so happy that he didn’t tell me while I was lying there because I think I actually might have died.

Anyway, my day.  As I was saying I decided to go to the gym.  I had started a text thread with my coworkers about the lack of diversity in our tips certification course and also all the rapey dudes.  The thread devolved into some sort of argument about Batman.  I know nothing about Batman.  I’m not girl who’s really into super heroes.  I got to the gym and ran on the treadmill for awhile and didn’t think about Batman once.  Or roaches.  The television in front of me was stuck on ESPN so I was trapped watching NFL highlights and imagining what my life would be like if I gave a shit about football.  I think it would be roughly the same only I would eat more nachos.  Come to think of it, that might just make it worthwhile.  I LOVE nachos.

Then I came home, took a shower, ate a giant bowl of taco salad and watched a few episodes of Weeds.  And now I am sitting here, writing the most pointless blog post ever and all the ice in my weird vodka flavored beverage situation has melted.  In case you were wondering, this dilution hasn’t made it taste any better.  Slightly less like baby food, though, so that’s good.

Dog Shit Doesn’t Melt and Other Observations

11 Feb

I remember when I was little growing up in New Jersey whenever it snowed my best friend and I would each lie awake in bed, awaiting that early morning phone call and the tired voice of the class parent reporting

“No school today.”

We loved it so much, in fact, that to this day whenever there is a snow event we send each other text messages with the beloved phrase, partially for laughs and partially wishing that life were still like that, that a snow day meant a day free from responsibilities and open to sledding, snow angels and igloos. She is a teacher now so for her the snow day still holds a little magic and allure but for me, there is no such thing as a snow day. Just frustrating white powder all over the ground that is only magical until the first dog pees in it. I do not like snow in the city. Part of the reason why I do not like snow in the city is because people are assholes. Let me explain.

It is commonly held knowledge that snow, when the temperature rises above freezing, will begin to melt. It might leave puddles in its wake but the cold white substance that used to litter the ground will be no more. What seems to not be commonly held knowledge, unfortunately, is that just because snow melts, and just because you can leave things in the snow, does not mean that those things also melt. In fact, they do not melt. They may change shape or structure, but they still remain. Your hamburger? Still there. Cigarette butt? Still there. Dog crap? Yup, also still there.

Okay, so in my mind one of the things that you agree to when you decide to get a dog is that you have to follow that dog around with little bags and pick its poop up off the floor so that some unsuspecting person doesn’t step in it. You do not then tie the bag and drop it on the floor like some people do (I have never understood this). No, you tie the bag up and you deposit it and its contents in the closest garbage can to be properly disposed of, far away from the sneakers and sandals of your neighbors. Another thing you agree to is that you have to take that dog out in all kinds of weather unless of course you have one of those small stupid dogs that craps on a pad in your bathroom in which case you might as well just get a cat, at least they go in a covered box.  On a normal sunny day, people in my neighborhood tend to be relatively good about cleaning up after their dog, save the errant pile here and there.  (Oh, and to the person on my street whose dog has the runs all the time, I have two things to say: (1) take that dog to the vet, there is obviously something wrong with it and don’t bitch about it being inconvenient because there is a vet at the bottom of the street and (2) just because the shit is runny doesn’t mean you don’t have to pick it up.  As far as I can tell the bags will protect your precious hands from both runny and solid poo.)  During the snow, however, people constantly leave dog poo behind, perched atop the mounds of snow littering the sidewalks.  People, that dog shit does not melt.  As the snow melts away, the dog shit just sort of moves around, breaks down, and becomes these exceedingly unsavory brown stains with chunks here and there.  And you know what?  Despite the fact that the shit is not a neat little pile like it once was, it still stinks.  And you know what else?  It is actually easier to step in now that it has spread across the entire sidewalk.  And you know who inevitably steps in it?  Me.  I do.  Every fucking time.  So please, people, I am begging you.  Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night should stay you from cleaning up after your goddamn canine.

And now for some more, slightly less involved, observations and pieces of advise:

1. Rain boots with holes in the bottom are not good to wear in inclement weather.  You know what is better?  Basically any other shoe, preferably water proof, without holes in the bottom.

2. It is very important to actually know your gym lock code before you close all your belongings inside a small locker and go take a shower, returning with only the small, hand-towel sized piece of fabric to cover your entire body.  Because you know what is not awesome?  Crouching down on the floor entering in every possible combination of numbers you can remember in a frantic effort to free your clothes.  Also, not awesome?  Having to send the cleaning lady (who is incredibly nice and accommodating and only sort of laughs at you) from the locker room up to the front desk to get a young women who can’t weigh more than 105 pounds to try and break your lock with a giant pair of pliers because, as it turns out, she is not strong enough to break the lock open.  You know what is awesome and not awesome at the same time?  Having your lock magically pop open from the pressure, resulting in a moment of happiness and also a moment of worry that you are either (a) stupid and actually managed to get the code right but just didn’t pull the lock down hard enough to open it or (b) have been trusting a faulty lock with the protection of your computer which has all of your school work, including the beginnings of you thesis, saved on it.  Not that any of this happened to me this morning.

3. If you notice a feather sticking out of your down coat, don’t pull it out.  There are only more feathers behind it that will also begin to stick through the ever-growing hole that you are making in your coat by yanking on the feathers and before you know it there are feathers everywhere.  As it turns out, and this is something I never would have thought,  people on the train and on the train platform do not appreciate having feathers fly all through the air and then land on their clothes and in their hair.  They think it is weird and kind of gross and they give you dirty looks.