Tag Archives: tips certification

An Average Day.

17 Dec

WARNING:  I am just sort of typing.  Typing about my day.  Connecting it to past days.  This may or may not make any sense.  Whether or not it makes sense has nothing to do with the peach juice vodka thing I made.  No, but seriously.  I’m hardly even drinking it because it tastes bad.  Anyway, proceed with caution.

Hi guys.  So here I am.  Sitting at my desk drinking this weird concoction of vodka, peach “juice” (which is actually quite similar to baby food, a fact that makes me feel a little weird) and water.  Honestly, it’s not very good and I think I might dump it out.  I am having A Day.  You know the kind.  It’s one of those days where you like, reflect on your life and think about where you thought you would be at this point which is maybe living in some foreign land doing something great for humanity but instead your are sitting at a bright blue desk which is actually made out of an old door that you painted like 6 years ago, drinking vodka flavored baby food.  You’ve never had a day like that?  Even without the oddly viscous liquor?  Oh, okay then.  Carry on.

I, for one, am having one of those days.  I think it is due to the fact that I spent the better part of this sleety, snowy, cold Tuesday in front of my computer reading the 247 slides of a bar-required tips certification course.  It’s this thing where you learn how to not serve underage people and also how to cut people off.  Interestingly, a lot of the male “characters” depicted in the accompanying videos are a little bit rapey.  There is the rapey manager who tells the hostess that she “did the right thing” by informing him of a drunk couple seated in Sherry’s section and the rapey bartender who tells a drunken bar-goer who turns down the snack of cheese that he offered her because she thinks it is too fattening that she “probably doesn’t need to worry about that.” I don’t know.  Maybe you had to be there.  Or maybe the hours I spent reading about R. Kelly prior to the 247 slides impacted my thought processes.  Either way, it has been one of those days.

I decided to go to the gym, put my foot in my shoe, thought it was a dead roach but discovered it was instead an errant hair clip.  Crisis averted!  I have heard about people having dead roaches in their shoes and it is something I do not want to experience myself.  It makes me think of this one time, actually. So there was this one time where I was feeling really sick so I decided, in a moment of overwhelming logic, to go lay on the floor.  I think I thought that if I looked as pathetic as I felt then maybe I would start feeling better.  Anyway, as I lay there, left cheek resting on the cold wood, garbage can at the ready, I noticed this thing only inches from my nose.  What could it be?  It wasn’t moving.  It looked like maybe it had legs. But I couldn’t detect a head.  I called up to my boyfriend who was in the bed curious as to why I decided to lay on the floor, and in the most pathetic voice I could said,

“There is this thing here right by my face and I think it might be a huge dead roach.  Is it a roach?  Tell me it isn’t a roach.  I don’t think I could go on if I knew that I was lying inches from a dead roach.”

I sometimes get a little dramatic when I am feeling sick.

He came down, scooped it up and told me it was no such thing.  Maybe I should just get off the floor.  I did.  But the next day I looked in the garbage can and saw a decapitated roach halfway covered by a tissue.  I am so happy that he didn’t tell me while I was lying there because I think I actually might have died.

Anyway, my day.  As I was saying I decided to go to the gym.  I had started a text thread with my coworkers about the lack of diversity in our tips certification course and also all the rapey dudes.  The thread devolved into some sort of argument about Batman.  I know nothing about Batman.  I’m not girl who’s really into super heroes.  I got to the gym and ran on the treadmill for awhile and didn’t think about Batman once.  Or roaches.  The television in front of me was stuck on ESPN so I was trapped watching NFL highlights and imagining what my life would be like if I gave a shit about football.  I think it would be roughly the same only I would eat more nachos.  Come to think of it, that might just make it worthwhile.  I LOVE nachos.

Then I came home, took a shower, ate a giant bowl of taco salad and watched a few episodes of Weeds.  And now I am sitting here, writing the most pointless blog post ever and all the ice in my weird vodka flavored beverage situation has melted.  In case you were wondering, this dilution hasn’t made it taste any better.  Slightly less like baby food, though, so that’s good.