So this past Monday I came down with a cold. It started as exhaustion, turned into a massive earache, and ended with crazy sinus pressure and a stuffed nose. This illness is not the result of a change in weather. It is not due to the germs that have been running rampant through my bar and beyond for the past few weeks. And it certainly has nothing to do with the fact that, even though I was aware of said germs and the crazy weather, I drank a little too much after working really hard at the Atlantic Antic. No, it is not because of any of those things. I blame my sickness entirely on the government shut down.
Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I would like to talk to you all a little about the past few days. The first thing I did on Tuesday upon waking up with a nose that was so full of snot that it felt like it weighed about 50 pounds was to make myself a big cup of coffee. Obviously that is the smart thing to do. So, I went into the kitchen, scooped out a ridiculous amount of ground coffee, and filled my pot up with the correct amount of water for the million cups of coffee that I planned on drinking. I then pressed the button to turn it on and went to take a shower. After the shower, I walked back into the kitchen to pour myself a cup when I noticed that my coffee was clear. It was so clear that it looked just like water. How could that be? After a close and in depth investigation I realized that, due to the government shutdown, I neglected to pour the water into the coffee machine and therefore only succeeded in creating mildly warm water. But the government doesn’t control me or my coffee intake so I quickly remedied the situation. I then proceeded to drink All Of The Coffee and gave myself a stomach ache. I blamed my stomach ache on the government shutdown
The rest of my week was spent trying to understand how in the world the government was shut down. When I think about the jobs of our elected officials, and I think about writing a list of their responsibilities, the first thing I would write would be to keep the government running. But hey, what do I know.
That last paragraph was actually inaccurate. Well, not the whole thing. I do think that if I were to write our lawmakers a list of responsibilities the number one item on the list would be to keep the government running, but I did not spend the rest of the week thinking about why the government shut down. I spent the rest of the week intermittently feeling sorry for myself for being sick (while cursing my lady bits because obviously my period started in the middle of the cold — thanks, government) and watching episode after episode of The Good Wife because it is so good and I am literally obsessed with Dan Rydell. Dan Rydell is not a real person, you say? (By the way, for this I also blame the government shutdown.) Well then, fine, I am obsessed with Josh Charles who played Dan Rydell in Sports Night and now plays Will Gardner in The Good Wife, who I also love because he is really just Dan Rydell pretending to be a lawyer. I love Dan Rydell, I mean Will Gardner, I mean Josh Charles so much that I had the following text conversation with my friend Kendra just yesterday:
Me: I’ve been watching a marathon of The Good Wife for the last two days.
Kendra: My mom is obsessed.
Me: You have to watch it. I’m in love with the guy who plays Will Gardner. Literally obsessed.
Kendra: He’s a hottie.
Me: Right? I almost cried when I saw he was recently married. I thought I had a shot.
Kendra: Ha. You never know. People get pushed in front of a bus every day 😉
And that is one of the many reasons why I love Kendra. I do not blame Kendra for the government shut down.
Another thing that I have been doing during my self-prescribed quarantine has been to start making videotapes of myself hanging out with my kittys in the room. My boyfriend tells me that I should make a YouTube channel and that probably my videos would go viral. So I put one of my videos on YouTube last night and then subsequently lost it because I am terrible at the internet (which, surprise surprise, I blame on the government shut down even though my lack of internet abilities predated it). But then I had this great idea! I looked on my phone where I had tried to link the video for one of my friends to see, something I failed at because I had inadvertently made it private which mostly wasn’t inadvertent at all and was more an attempt to shield myself from embarrassment because in this video I sort of look like an alien. So before you watch the video I need to make some things clear: (a) I know that I look like an alien; (b) I am just as bad at technology as this video makes it appear; (c) If you watch this video and are like “Rebekah, what are you talking about you don’t look like an alien at all that is what you actually look like” then please don’t tell me because if you do I will either cry or respond with the following thing: how the hell did you let me go through life looking like an alien without ever telling me? That’s like letting someone go to a job interview with a huge herb in her front tooth because you are too embarrassed about the ensuing conversation to save her from embarrassment. If I do, in fact, look like an alien in real life I am aware there is nothing I can do about it but it would be nice at least to know. Then I would at least know why Dan Rydell chose to marry Sophie Flack instead of me. Also I would have another thing to blame on the government shutdown.
Anyway, without further adieu, my video.
So, that’s it. For a recap of my week thus far.
1. I have successfully made it through the entire first season of The Good Wife.
2. I have made three videos, only one of which I have managed to upload onto YouTube because I tried to create a channel but now I can’t find it so I made another channel and my video isn’t on that channel but I don’t know how to upload it to the correct channel using my phone. None of this would ever have happened if it weren’t for the government shutdown.
3. I have blamed a few things not mentioned here on the government shut down but not nearly enough things so please excuse me while I get back to work.
4. I have spent an awkward amount of time watching this government shut down-inspired PandaCam and feeling sad that I am not the person who thought of it and also not friends with the person (people?) who thought of it. Thanks a lot, government shutdown.
franklyrebekah 